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As
I have mentioned in previous columns, I look forward to bathing-suit
shopping with my daughters almost as much as major dental surgery
without anesthesia. But that's exactly where I found myself recently
when my youngest daughter informed me that we were a few days away
from an upcoming high school end-of-year swim party, and if she didn't
get a new swimsuit, she might have to wear a modified Hefty bag (which
didn't sound all that bad to me).
Needless to say, I soon found myself in Target. Yes, this was before
the Satanist clothing designer-Pride display debacle officially "hit
the fan." I do think I saw a Pride display out of the corner of my
eye, but I could have seen President Joe Biden and Vladimir Putin
mud wrestling—in the nude—and not been distracted. I was
on a mission to find a modest bathing suit for my daughter—and
then find the exit as soon as possible.
Unfortunately, I didn't consider the fact that a dad doesn't just
take his daughters into a big box store like Target and purchase only
one item. To complicate matters, I also brought my middle daughter,
who is home from college for the summer, for moral support.
I spent the first part of this expedition leaning against a display
of men's briefs while my daughters argued in the dressing room about
which swimsuits I would reject for revealing too much elbow. In fact,
they were in there for so long that I could have crocheted them an
appropriate 1800s-style bathing gown myself.
Instead, I began pondering the potential loss of another big box store
since Bed Bath & Beyond recently filed for bankruptcy. I really enjoyed
shopping at Bed Bath & Beyond. It was one of the few places where
I could choose from a wide selection of toilet brushes, spatulas and
Mother's Day cards—sometimes all at once. Besides, the whole
store smelled kind of like my wife's shower soap, which I may or may
not use when I get the urge to feel refreshed and moisturized.
Once the girls came out and assured me that their swimsuit choices
would be suitable for a Sunday night hymn sing at church, I tried
to head to the checkout line—but they redirected me first to
the pool toy section, then to the grocery section, and then to the
toiletries and cosmetics.
Here is a list of our purchases (Mind you, we went in for one dad-approved
bathing suit.):
-Two swimsuits (including one bikini that I told my youngest daughter
I would be wearing before she does)
-Two jumbo inflatable pool floats (that someone will puncture within
the week)
-A pack of strawberry lemonade green bubble tea (I'm still not exactly
sure what that is.)
-Two enormous bags of gourmet popcorn with Himalayan salt (I didn't
think it tasted Himalayan at all.)
-A sparkly-purple ergonomic woman's razor (I didn't ask questions.)
-A large jar of birthday-cake shea sugar body scrub (Huh?)
-Some "blush fantasy" tinted lip balm (Whatever happened to Chapstick?)
-A giant container of Extra-Strength TUMS (for me)
Once I recovered from the shock over the total on my receipt, I resolved
to be grateful for the time spent with my daughters. I also promised
myself that the next time someone asks me for a new swimsuit, I'm
heading to Walmart for some Hefty bags. |
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