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New
La Llorona: Does She
Seek Your Children? 8-10-08
Many
versions of the tragedy of La Llorona (Weeping Woman) exist, but the basic premise
is the same...
What
You Don't Know About Mexico
7-17-08
It's been awhile since the U.S.
media has said anything about Mexico except the low-down on drug cartels, illegal
immigration, and kidnappings. Negativity sells newspapers and sends traffic to
media websites because nobody reads a publication that headlines "Plane Lands
Safely." Common sense tells the intelligent reader that there must be another
side to the story of what Mexicans are like. You're right. Here are a few true
stories to help balance media negativity.
The
Story of Indianola 6-30-08
On my bookshelf
sat a slim volume of poems by one Jeff McLemore.... The name of the book, published
in 1904, is "Indianola and Other Poems," and its yellowed pages, bound together
by string, are as fragile to the touch as would be a human born the same year.
I will digress just long enough to tell you research gleaned that Jeff McLemore
was considerably more than an author. Atkins Jefferson McLemore (March 13, 1857-March
4, 1929) worked in Texas as cowboy, newspaper reporter and publisher, and a member
of U.S. House of Representatives from Texas's At-Large District...
Great
Aunt Jane's Pair of Scares 6-12-08
"It's
1944 and supper is finished, dishes washed, and anticipation high, for we are
all sitting on the floor in front of a carefully stoked fire waiting for the evening's
storytelling to begin. Miss Ruth Dodson of Mathis is about to relay the two scariest
things that happened to her great Aunt, as they had been relayed to her. It might
go something like this..."
Cuddling
With Your Enemies 6-9-08
Just when you think
you've heard every strange thing science can possibly come up with, like perfecting
a way to combine human and animal embryos (we could always buy them a hair removal
kit for a birthday gift)..., the University of Zurich in Switzerland comes along
with the announcement of a "groundbreaking discovery" that's even weirder...
The Widow Tamez, Accidental
Expatriate 5-9-08
Back in the old days of
Pirate Island, an island only by definition, located along the Rio Grande near
Ysleta and San Elizario in El Paso County, Mexico and the U.S. had a boundary
by treaty -- the bed of the Rio Grande. In 1854, the river shifted south, leaving
a part of Mexico on the north side of the River... This brush-covered area became
known as a no-man's land because Mexican lawmen didn't want to cross the River
and be cut off, and Texas lawmen had no legal jurisdiction there. It was perfect
for outlaws from both countries...
Turning
into Mom 5-8-08
Most of us remember our
moms with affection, or occasionally, dislike. But we always remember them, even
when they're not around any more. I turned out to be more like my mom than I could
ever have expected...
Everybody's
Scared of Something 4-7-08
Comedian Steven
Wright, says "I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths." Good thing his
audiences don't suffer from Geliophobia, a fear of laughter. But there are some
people who really are afraid of widths like Oscar-winning actress Kim Basinger.
She suffers from agoraphobia, a fear of open spaces...
Cherokee
Bill: Don't Get Him Mad 3-27-08
1876 was
a remarkable year for America. Alexander Graham Bell made the first phone call
in Boston, Massachusetts; Custer had his last stand at Little Bighorn, Montana
Territory; and Crawford Goldsby was born at Fort Concho, Texas. Now this last
event may not sound like such a big deal, until you know that, by the age of 20,
Crawford Goldsby, later known as Cherokee Bill, was one of the most notorious
killers prowling the western frontier...
Stars
Shine in Sunny Mexico 3-6-08
Along with many
other expatriates living in Mexico, we occasionally hear of a famous one who lives,
or once lived, among us. We know that Helen Hayes, Erich Fromm and Maurice Evans
lived in Cuernavaca, and Tennessee Williams, D.H.Lawrence and Somerset Maugham
lived in Ajijic...
The
Best Pictures Never to Have Won Best Picture 2-21-08
Oscar will be allowed out of his Chicago vault for the annual trip to Hollywood
on February 24th... We can hope our favorite movie will come away with the big
prize, but in the long run, some of the best pictures ever made did not receive
Best Picture Oscars...
Honeybees:
Have They Emigrated to Mexico? 2-14-08
There's
been a big U.S. flap over the fact that honeybees seem to have gone missing. North
Americans are becoming alarmed that without pollination, foods such as...
Annie Rogers and the Bank Dick
2-3-08
On a sunny afternoon in October 1901 at
the bustling Fourth National Bank of Nashville, Tennessee, Spencer McHenry looked
up from his work and saw a beautiful woman in fashionable and expensive-looking
clothes standing at his teller's window. Smiling fetchingly, she slid a $500 stack
of Bank of Montana notes across the marble counter toward him...
Joaquin
Murrieta, Robin Hood or Just Plain Hood? 1-5-08
Everything about Joaquin Murrieta is disputed. He was either the Mexican Robin
Hood or the El Dorado Robin Hood. He was either an infamous bandito or a Mexican
patriot...
Luke Short,
The Undertakers' Friend 12-20-07
December
23rd marks the 117th anniversary of Luke Short's last great gunfight. It was a
shoot out with Charlie Wright at Charlie's gambling den in Ft. Worth...
A Blue Christmas 12-13-07
In the vast fellowship of Christendom, December 25th is a time to celebrate the
birth of Christ by attending church, singing carols, and watching "It's A Wonderful
Life." The Christmas season is an occasion for tree-trimming and the giving of
gifts to loved ones -- gifts once symbolic, now spendaholic.
The
Christmas Flower 12-3-07
Once upon a time
in Mexico, a little boy was walking to church on Christmas Eve. He wanted to see
the Nativity scene. He thought hard about a gift to bring the Christ child, but
had no money to buy one. "Jesus will understand," thought the little boy stopping
to gather a few bare weedy branches lying at the side of the dusty road, "because
my gift will be given with love."...
Christmas
Shopping With The Sliding U.S. Dollar 11-10-07
This Christmas will really test a person's ability to stretch a dollar, especially
a U.S. dollar, since we've been watching it shrink for quite awhile now...
Eyewitness 10-31-07
Mr. Epperson, a carpenter by trade, lived at 1601 First Street in Brownwood Texas,
though he wasn't always a carpenter and he didn't always live in Brownwood. He
was once a newsboy and lived in Washington DC. This does not sound all that memorable
except for one fact: He was selling newspapers at Ford's Theatre on the night
of April 14, 1865...
In A Word ... 10-5-07
We have now reached the limit of psychic endurance. The Oxford English Dictionary,
fondly referred to as OED by language devotees, has decided to suck up to the
MTV generation, which can't stand anything that takes longer than a Paris Hilton
jail term, by annihilating the gentle hyphen. In its sixth edition, OED has done
this not only a few times, but 16,000 times...
Fannie
Porter of San Antonio 9-25-07
If even half
the legends passed down through generations are true, the Old West was a riotous
and exciting place. Whether heroes or desperadoes, these legendary people all
seem to have either been born in, traveled through, or fought for the great Republic
of Texas. Many books have been written, movies made, and cities named after these
men.
But they didn't fight, shoot, and rustle all the time. They needed
rest. They needed relaxation. They needed love. And Fannie Porter of San Antonio
supplied these diversions. This is her story.
"Yes
Virginia, There Is Another Mexico" 9-12-07
"When I lived in Ajijic fulltime, I saw many things that caused me to realize
how blithely the U.S. media twists the truth. It's even worse today than it was
ten years ago with the lies growing so fast and furiously, Pinocchio's nose cannot
keep up..."
Sally
Skull, the Scariest Siren in Texas 9-1-07
Second only to becoming famous as one of Jack the Ripper's victims would be gaining
celebrity as one of Sally Skull's husbands. A man would be joining the ranks of
a now-defunct exclusive club of five once-frisky members. Some say Sally didn't
always wait to get a divorce, and perhaps took the easy way out. She killed them...
The
Harrowing Life and Times of Elizabeth Ann Bishop 8-15-07
One of the Texas frontier women who taught the wilderness to quit howling and
behave itself was Elizabeth Ann Bishop. Any time you might be thinking you're
having troubles, no matter if they're small or very, very big, compare them to
the trials and tribulations of Elizabeth Ann. What she endured is testament to
the strength of frontier women...
Lottie
Deno: Queen of the Paste Board Flippers 8-3-07
Cowboys and longhorns, soldiers and forts, Comanche, the buffalo trade, 18 saloons,
and an abundance of "soiled doves" were the sights greeting beautiful Lottie Deno
as she rode into Ft. Griffin Flat from Jacksboro, sitting next to the driver atop
the stage coach. To the denizens of Ft. Griffin Flat, known as "The Toughest Town
in Texas," and described as "one of the wildest... gambling hellholes ever spawned
on the frontier," this was shocking behavior from an apparently well-bred lady
of culture and refinement... |
Maggie
Van Ostrand Columns |
ColumnsDear
Uncle Sam 7-16-07The
Fence 7-6-07Powers
of Texas 6-17-07 The
God Talk 6-4-07Say
Bartender, Make Mine Tuna on the Rocks
5-25-07Pet
Loss, or, Have Ashes, Will Travel 5-19-07The
Fighting 201st 5-11-07Bad
Mothers 5-11-07Erotic
Politicians Promote Sex Abstinence Studies 4-26-07Law
School in a Box 4-13-07Brando
4-3-07Blonde
3-27-07The
Red Carpet 2-18-07Jack
Bauer 2-16-07Super
Bowl 2007 2-7-07Belle
Starr The Bandit Queen 2-1-07
The
Corn is as High as an Elephant's Eye 1-29-07
Bionic
Woman or Jack Bauer 1-23-07
Guilt
1-8-07New
Year's Resolutions 2007 12-28-06Deporting
Santa Claus 12-19-06Christmas
Shopping 12-13-06Rachael
Bites Into Martha 12-10-06The
Night the Posse Chased Santa 12-1-06The
Day After 11-24-06Fear
of Thanksgiving 11-19-06Being
Santa 11-10-06Kim
Stanley: Daughter of Texas 11-4-06Scarier
Than Halloween 10-31-06The
Undead 10-10-06The
Mexican 10-7-06Friday
the 13th 10-4-06The
Height of Celebrity 9-28-06True
Confessions 9-13-06Women
of the News 9-7-06Pluto
9-1-06 Strap
Buckner: The Tallest of Tall Texas Tales 8-16-06Cesar
Millan and Rachael Ray: America's Great Escape Artists 6-20-06Baby
TV 6-1-06
Be afraid. Be very afraid. There's a new
show on Direct TV aimed at 0-3 year olds... Katie
Elder: Her True Story 5-26-06
"[Her] background
was perhaps more plaid than checkered."Dying
to Be An American 5-8-06
There's
an easier way to become an American citizen than marching in emotional parades
for immigration rights or studying U.S. history and being wait-listed for years,
or even marrying into it. You can die into citizenship.
Super
Comic, Super Star, Super Man 4-28-06
Cantinflas
How
My Mexican Relatives Saved the U.S. Economy 4-13-06The
Art of Listening 4-8-06Emilio
Fernández, Ten of a Kind
3-23-06
"It was Emilio Fernández who posed nude for the statuette so zealously sought:
the Oscar."
Daddy,
Tell Me A Story 3-14-06
Fairy Tales and Nursery
Rhymes. Oscar
Moms 3-7-06Oscar
3-7-06The
Big Bend Then 2-27-06Voice
Lift 2-14-06Don
Churrero 2-2-06
The churro cannot be
"made," it can only be created.
Interview
with Baby New Year 12-28-05
Christmas
Past 12-5-05
"The best Christmas in my family
was a broke one."
Thanksgiving
and the Little Table 11-23-05The
Mallomar 11-10-05
A
History of Mexico in 2000 Words 11-7-05
TV
Corpses at Halloween 10-30-05Dead
Men Don't Talk, But Dead Women Do 10-22-05
Frida
Kahlo, and Her Recipes
Movies
10-10-05
"Transported
to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then
teams up with three complete strangers to kill again." That's a movie review from
a Marin County, California, newspaper. The movie it described was "The Wizard
of Oz."
Same
Sex Marriage? 10-1-05When
Money Talks, Martha Listens 9-19-05Looking
for Charley 9-12-05
"My
friend Charley is about 45 and he's lived in New Orleans a long time..."
Paparazzi
8-29-05
"... I've suffered something much more frightening than paparazzi. I had
mamarazzi..." Three
8-20-05
"...If
you, the intelligent reader, doubt that three is the most important number of
all time, read on..."
Texas:
Into the Future and Into the Past 7-30-05
Where in Texas can you bypass summer's deadly heat, avoid Transylvanian mosquitoes,
and never feel the sting of a bee?Appearing
Rich 7-9-05Weirdo
Father of the Year
6-16-05Shrewd
Mexican Women 6-15-05What's
In A Name? Plenty.
6-6-05Barbara
Walters Does Cleopatra 5-15-05
"...
a documented transcript of the Walters-Cleopatra taped interview as surreptitiously
obtained by an imbedded reporter..."
Mexican-American
War of Ought-Five 5-3-05
"...
A group of Mexican citizens calling themselves Los Hombres al Minuto has volunteered
to make their sole quest in life the prevention of North Americans illegally crossing
the border into Mexico."The
Pig Book 4-20-05
Superman
Is An Illegal, or, Humor and Satire in the Corrido
4-5-05Peeps
Alert 3-17-05Fry
Me to the Moon 3-8-05
"Rather
than waiting for a cemetery plot in Mexico, Greece, or the U.S., where real estate
is at a premium whether you're dead or alive, people are finding it more practical
to be cremated like Thompson and are creating interesting things to do with cremated
remains, or "cremains," as they're called in the death biz." Cher,
Au Contraire 3-1-05Mexican
Beauty: Dolores del Rio 2-16-05
"Sinuous
and sensual, she was widely regarded as the female Rudolph Valentino. ... Precious
few other actresses have retained both beauty and stardom for over fifty professional
years."Well
done, Johnny 1-25-05
"Ernie
Kovacs once said that television was a medium because it was so rarely well done.
When Johnny was on, it was well done."Harvard
Strangles First Amendment 1-25-05
...
and
what women really want
Ninotchka
1-21-05New
Year's Resolutions 1-1-05The
Truth About Rudolph 12-8-04Las
Posadas 12-1-04
"... Now, it could seem that greed might be casting its shadow over the story
of Bethlehem, except for one very important thing: Las Posadas is still observed
in Mexico...."Fear
of Hair 11-24-04Got
Flu? Try A Sock Full of Onions
10-29-04Scents
and Sensibility
10-15-04
"...
We can trace the artificial scents of today back to those June brides. Today,about
the only thing that smells the same as it always did is the end of the nozzle
at a gas pump...."The
Pinking of America
9-28-04Man
Stores 9-1-04A
Prudent Use of Guilt
8-3-04Brando
7-19-04
"Quit following me
around. It's getting embarrassing," I said to Marlon Brando, tilting my nose into
the air.Networking
For The Disinclined 7-12-04
Old
Friends Ask About Mexico 7-11-04
"What's
it like in Mexico?" "Weren't you scared?" and "Don't they kidnap you there?" In
case anyone reading this publication is wondering the same things, here's what
I told my friends ...Naked
Came The Amarillan
6-26-04
I love Amarillo ...
I never met so many good lookin', boot-wearin', city-shunnin', plain-talkin',
fellas in my entire life as I did a few weeks back when I visited The Fair And
Totally Underrated City of Amarillo In The County of Potter in the Republic of
Texas. The
Biggest Mistake I Ever Made In Mexico 6-9-04
Stuff
To Do in Small Towns
5-5-04
When
Traveling in Mexico, Leave Your Pantyhose At Home
4-21-04
"Your money's
no good in Mexico."
Mexican
Eye For the Gringo Guy 3-7-04
According
to the show business trade paper, The Hollywood Reporter, "Queer Eye for the Straight
Guy," the megahit TV show whose stars are known as The Fab Five, will soon have
some light-hearted competition from Comedy Central's "Straight Plan For The Gay
Man," whose stars have already been dubbed The Flab Four... There's
Something About Mexico 2-20-04
Paradise
El
Taxi, or El Toro? 1-20-04
Hemingway
said there are two types of spectators at a bullfight: those who identify with
the bull, and those who identify with the matador.
The
Roger Miller Las Vegas Pawn Shop Shooting
1-20-04Roger
Miller 12-27-03
Quotes,
and anecdotes of Roger Miller and friends. The
Ten Years Are Up.
It's Time to Clean the Refrigerator
11-28-03
Day
of the Dead or Alive 10-21-03Are
There Terrorists in Our Town? 9-29-03
Within the
pastoral and picture-perfect environs of our little village, these enemies of
the American people are not called terrorists, they are called squirrels.
Where
did the word "gringo" come from anyway? 9-03God
and Botox 8-03
What
happens to those wonderful laugh lines when they're shot full of Botox? How will
anyone know we ever had any fun if our faces are unlined, unlived.Meant
for Each Other 8-03
Certain
living things are meant for each other, whether it be a caballo and a canine,
or a lady and a lake. Put
Yourself In Reverse 7-03
"I
am not among those who scream for progress. I want to go backward in time, not
forward. ..." Mrs.
Baldwin of Missouri Teaches All About Mexico
"I
suggest that, next time the media does a story condemning educational standards
in the United States, they journey to Maryville, Missouri, and audit Mrs. Baldwin's
class." Josefina,
A Woman of Mexico
"Speaking
of love, not since Lana Turner's fallen lipstick rolled across the floor stopping
at the feet of newly arrived drifter, John Garfield, in "The Postman Always Rings
Twice," have I witnessed anything as romantic as Josefina's relationship with
her husband, Enriquez, the gardener."
Mextra-Sensory
Perception
"Someone
was playing a Spanish radio station full blast in the car next to mine as we stopped
at a red light in Hollywood California. The cacophony of Mariachi brass, not a
shy sound, bombarded my ears with alacrity. Before I knew it, there I was, not
at Sunset and Vine waiting for the light to change in the year 2003, but back
in Ajijic eight years ago....""The
Trip" - Guanajuato, Mexico
"With
his parents' permission, I took Fernando, my 12-year-old English student, to Guanajuato.....
There's an awful lot to be said for this Auntie Mame stuff. For instance, imagine
my pleasure at learning Fernando had never been on an elevator in his life? You
should've seen his face as the elevator rose and his stomach fell. ..."
Accommodations
To Die For
Trolling
for Truth
"What
parent in his right mind would give a 6-year-old a hatchet? Probably not even
Lizzie Bordon had a hatchet at that young age. Even if you could find such a parent,
today's hatchets are probably child-proofed like everything else."
Broken
Berlitz Or English and how she is spokenAn
Evening In Paris With Mom
"Someone
was wearing Evening In Paris perfume the other day. The scent of it instantly
reminded me of Mom; I haven't smelled Evening In Paris since we lost her, yet
its fragrance transported me back to my childhood and to the Mother's Day when
...""Soft-Boiled
Eggs Of Texas"Nine
Steps To A Happy Life In Mexico Mexican
VillageThe
Day I Photographed Josefina's Family
More Humor and Satire
| Columns | Mexico
| Maggie
Van Ostrand
Maggie
Van Ostrand was almost born and raised in Manhattan, but hey, Queens is still
inside the City line.
She started writing when she was very young, but
ran into a barrier of parental discouragement. She didn't pick up a pen again
until they were both so old, they could no longer argue convincingly without falling
off their walkers.
Queens College remembers Jerry Seinfeld, so surely
it will remember Maggie. Then again, maybe not.
While traveling as a
roadie in the music business, she co-wrote "Home Is Where the Hurt Is" with Grammy-
and Tony-winning humorist, Roger Miller. She was head writer for Mark Goodson's
quiz show, "Trivia Trap," and has ghost-written for television sitcom writers
and stand-up comics.
In 1995, she began a humor column, "A Balloon in
Cactus" (aka "The Buck Starts Here) in the Guadalajara newsmagazine, El Ojo Del
Lago, for which she has twice received their Award for Outstanding Literary Achievement,
1998 and 2001.
She was honored with Best Feature Article of the Year
2002 by the popular and highly regarded online newsmagazine, mexconnect.com.
Her proudest achievement was winning the Pullet Surprise from texasescapes.com.
She deserves it.
Readers, who think Maggie has a headstart on eccentricity,
cut out her columns and stick them on their refrigerators. Thanks to loyal fans
submitting these clips to bigtime newspapers (do you know how expensive it is
to mail a refrigerator?), she became a regular contributor to the Chicago Tribune,
and has been published in the Boston Globe, Newsday, the Philadelphia Inquirer,
the Sun-Sentinal, and other major newspapers and magazines both online and in
print.
Maggie has lived in many wonderful towns, her favorites (aside
from New York City, Boston and Chicago) are El Paso, Texas, and Taos, New Mexico.
And she's crazy about Mexico.
Maggie Van Ostrand lives both in Ajijic,
Mexico and Pine Mountain, California, each with a population smaller than Al Pacino.
July,
2003
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